Advice is bullshit. It's just one asshole's opinion.

— Justin Halpern

... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.

— Justin Halpern

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

— Justin Halpern

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up, and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup

— Justin Halpern

I kind of came to the conclusion after I did finally get married that love and relationships are just a series of horrific losses with hopefully one win.

— Justin Halpern

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.

— Justin Halpern

That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.

— Justin Halpern

Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came into the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humans*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad

— Justin Halpern

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

— Justin Halpern

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.

— Justin Halpern