Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

— David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

— David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

— David Letterman

Labour Day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China

— David Letterman

Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

— David Letterman

She represents the country Ammonia.

— David Letterman

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

— David Letterman

There's only one requirement of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

— David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

— David Letterman

This guy put the suck in success.

— David Letterman