All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

— Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

— Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

— Mitch Hedberg

Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

— Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

— Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

— Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroin addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

— Mitch Hedberg