Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.

— David Sedaris

Between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always, though, while tripping and stumbling to the music, she looks out into her audience and tells the story about her mother. Most people laugh and yell for her to lift her skirts, but every so often she'll spot someone weeping and swear they can understand her every word.

— David Sedaris

But I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

— David Sedaris

But instead I am applying for a job as an elf. Even worse than applying is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. That's when you know you're a failure.

— David Sedaris

...but wasn't everyone in England supposed to be a detective? Wasn't every crime, no matter how complex, solved in a timely fashion by either a professional or a hobbyist? That's the impression you get from British books and TV shows. Sherlock Holmes, Miss Marple, Betty Winthrop, Inspector George Gently: they come from every class and corner of the country. There's even Edith Parameter's Brother Rafael, a Benedictine monk who solved crimes in twelfth-century Shrewsbury. No surveillance cameras, no fingerprints, not even a telephone, and still he cracked every case that came his way.

— David Sedaris

Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might, can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?

— David Sedaris

Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you're not drinking. 'Oh, I just don't feel like it this morning.'' Why not?'' I guess I'm not in the mood?'' Well, this'll put you in the mood. Here. Drink up.'' No, really, I'm OK.'' Just taste it.'' Actually, I'm sort of...well, I sort of have a problem with it.'' Then how about half a glass?

— David Sedaris

Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that, like Mom used to say, sooner or later something's going to get you.

— David Sedaris

Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!

— David Sedaris

Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downswing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times, or you'll run out of dope or liquor and realize that it was all you ever had in common.

— David Sedaris