I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

— Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

— Henny Youngman

I wanted to become an atheist, but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

— Henny Youngman

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

— Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

— Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

— Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

— Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

— Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

— Henny Youngman