I don't want to make sacrifices. I want to make dough.

— Joseph Heller

It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.

— Joseph Heller

It doesn't matter whether they mean it or not. That's why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what 'pledge' and 'allegiance' mean.

— Joseph Heller

It takes brains not to make money,” Colonel Cargill wrote in one of the homiletic memoranda he regularly prepared for circulation over General Pecked’s signature. “Any fool can make money these days and most of them do. But what about people with talent and brains? Name, for example, one poet who makes money.

— Joseph Heller

I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long.

— Joseph Heller

Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.

— Joseph Heller

Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office.

— Joseph Heller

Mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow.

— Joseph Heller

Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one?" "I do," Dunbar told him. "Why?" Clinger asked. "What else is there?

— Joseph Heller

My fish dream is a sex dream.

— Joseph Heller