A beautiful woman can have almost any man she wants. A rich man can have almost any woman he wants.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

A cow's heaven is a flower's idea of hell.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

A fish tank is just interactive television for cats.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

Although I'm an atheist, I try not to crap all over people's belief in God. It may be nothing more than a placebo, a fairy tale that gives the hopeless hope, but sometimes a little hope is all people need to get through the day. Imagine a unit of soldiers under heavy enemy fire. They are told by their superiors to hold their position, even in the face of overwhelming firepower. The soldiers are being told that reinforcements are on the way, and that thought alone gives them the hope and courage to continue fighting, even if ultimately the reinforcements never arrive. I think some people simply need to believe that God is sending them reinforcements, to get through another day.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

Books like Twilight are not art. They are mass-produced crap that is meant to be consumed by the widest possible audience, for the largest possible profit.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

Democracy's fatal flaw: There are more dumb people than smart people. Welcome to the new Dark Ages!

— Oliver Gaspirtz

Dogs are angels full of poop.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

Free will? Either you follow the word of God, or you'll be punished with eternal hellfire. That's the same kind of "choice" an abuse boyfriend gives you: 'Either you do exactly what I say, or I'll beat the shit out of you.

— Oliver Gaspirtz

Good things you have to make happen. Bad things happen all by themselves.

— Oliver Gaspirtz