Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

— Dave Barry

Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism.

— Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

— Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

— Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

— Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

— Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

— Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

— Dave Barry

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

— Dave Barry

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

— Dave Barry