A joke is a way to say, 'I'm going to do something funny now. If I don't get a laugh at the end, I'm a failure.'

— Penn Jillette

A lot of people, to attack an outspoken atheist, one of the things they'll do is say, 'You are as bad as the fundamentalist Christians.' And my answer is always, 'I hope so.'

— Penn Jillette

As I’m fond of saying, if you want to find utopia, take a sharp right on money and a sharp left on sex, and it’s straight ahead.

— Penn Jillette

Astrology is a cousin of racism.

— Penn Jillette

Bacon is so good by itself that to put it in any other food is an admission of failure. You're basically saying, 'I can't make this other food taste good, so I'll throw in bacon.'

— Penn Jillette

Behaving morally because of a hope of reward or a fear of punishment is not morality. Morality is not bribery or threats. Religion is bribery and threats. Humans have morality. We don't need religion.

— Penn Jillette

But [he] had lost god, and all his family and friends were staying behind with his imaginary friend. A silly dream goes away and takes with it your whole real life.

— Penn Jillette

Cars mean nothing to me. I'm not a car guy.

— Penn Jillette

Computers absolutely changed my life. Before I had a computer, I had never written one thing. Not one thing. I'm a very bad speller, and I was embarrassed by that. When I would type, the little mistakes would make me nutty, and I would never edit anything.

— Penn Jillette

Counterintuitive actions prove we can trust real knowledge and do the opposite of what we feel makes sense.

— Penn Jillette