A book is a gift you can open again and again.

— Garrison Keillor

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table-There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.

— Garrison Keillor

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

— Garrison Keillor

And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory, and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlessly reading that garbage magazine with pictures of naked girls in it. How juvenile! I gave geese more sense than that.' Please, God. I'm only fourteen years old. A teenager. Have mercy. Be loving. I was,' says God. 'For eons. And look at what it got me. You.' God turns in disgust, just the way Daddy does. 'Sorry, but I'm the Creator. I take it personally. There are slugs and bugs and night-crawlers I feel better about having created - I mean, there are sparrows - I've got my eye on one right now. Is that sparrow consumed with lust? No. He mates in the spring and that's the end of it. Consider the lilies. Do they think about lily tits all the time? No. They look not, and they lust not, and yet I say unto you that you will never be half as attractive as they. Therefore, I say unto you, think not about peckers and boobs and all that nonsense and your Heavenly Father will see that you meet a good woman and marry her, just as I do for the sparrow and walleye - yea verily, even the night-crawler and the eel pout. But I've told you this over and over for nineteen centuries. And now, verily, it's too late. Time's up, buster. Lights out! Game's over!

— Garrison Keillor

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

— Garrison Keillor

A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.

— Garrison Keillor

A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

— Garrison Keillor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

— Garrison Keillor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

— Garrison Keillor

Don't worry about the past and don't try to figure out the future

— Garrison Keillor