A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

— Henny Youngman

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

— Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

— Henny Youngman

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

— Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

— Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

— Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

— Henny Youngman

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

— Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman