I didn't like books where people played on a sports team and won a bunch of games, or went to summer camp and had a wonderful time. I really liked a book where a witch might cut a child's head off or a pack of angry dogs might burst through a door and terrorize a family.

— Daniel Handler

I'd ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you. And I did. But that right there was why it was doomed.

— Daniel Handler

If he’s not gay, and he hung out with you the whole time, he wanted to be. It’s boyfriend or want to be boyfriend, or I guess gay. Those are the choices.

— Daniel Handler

I gasped and pointed the way. I gave you an adventure, Ed, right in front of you, but you never saw it until I showed you, and that's why we broke up.

— Daniel Handler

I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.

— Daniel Handler

I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you'll understand it this once, because even now I want you to see it. I don't love you anymore, of course I don't, but there's still something I can show you. You know I want to be a director, but you never truly see the movies in my head and that, Ed, is why we broke up.

— Daniel Handler

I like to give people novels I think they would like, on no particular occasion - just when we're in a bookstore together. I like to receive reference books on my birthday.

— Daniel Handler

I'm a lunatic wandering around for scraps, I'm like every single miserable moron I've scorned, and pretended I didn't recognize. I'm all of them, every last ugly thing in a bad last-minute costume. Furthermore, I'm not different, not at all, not different from any other speck of a thing.

— Daniel Handler

I'm dumping the whole box back into your life Ed, every item of you and me. I'm dumping this box on your porch, Ed, but it's you, Ed, who is getting dumped.

— Daniel Handler

I'm not a believer in predetermined fates, being rewarded for one's efforts. I'm not a believer in karma. The reason why I try to be a good person is because I think it's the right thing to do. If I commit fewer bad acts there will be fewer bad acts, maybe other people will join in committing fewer bad acts, and in time there will be fewer and fewer of them.

— Daniel Handler