She was all the world’s money, and I would spend it with her, my sharpest friend who changed the tide, my only comfort from the brutal gamble of the world and the wicked ways of men.

— Daniel Handler

The file clanked against me, my stupid idea nobody would have gotten had I ever done it. You even wouldn't have gotten it, Ed, I thought, watching her go. It's why we broke up, so here it is. Ed, how could you?

— Daniel Handler

The movie was kick-ass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kick-ass: The Movie.

— Daniel Handler

There are so many movies like this, where you thought you were smarter than the screen, but the director was smarter than you, of course he's the one, of course it was a dream, of course she's dead, of course, it's hidden right there, of course it's the truth and you in your seat have failed to notice in the dark.

— Daniel Handler

There were a million things, everything, I didn't know. I was stupid, the official descriptive phrase for happy. I took this thing I'm giving you back, this thing you gave me as the star we were waiting for finally emerged.

— Daniel Handler

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it turns up.

— Daniel Handler

This is how it is in life and love. In life and love we are with people for a while, and then we join other people, people we have not met, and we walk with them, and we leave behind all the things we used to be. Sometimes we leave people behind too... This happens every day. Every day this happens and scarcely anybody cares.

— Daniel Handler

This teaching job did not pay a lot of money, because, let's face it, nobody gives a flying fuck about education, but it was a temporary position.

— Daniel Handler

We thought we had time. I waved but couldn't answer, because I was finally letting myself grin as wide as I'd wanted all afternoon, all evening, every sec of every minute with you, Ed. Shit, I guess I already loved you then.

— Daniel Handler

You can’t mind these things, you just can’t, for to dislike what makes a person human is to dislike all humans.

— Daniel Handler