All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

— Joseph Heller

And he knew something else as a social evolutionist that he might stress someday in his 'Every Change Is for the Worse' should he ever find time to write it: Gold knew that the most advanced and penultimate stage of a civilization was attained when chaos masqueraded as order, and he knew we were already there.

— Joseph Heller

But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.

— Joseph Heller

[Chief White Half oat:] Racial prejudice is a terrible thing, Yossarian. It really is. It's a terrible thing to treat a decent, loyal Indian like a nigger, kike, wop, or spic.

— Joseph Heller

Colonel Athwart is our commanding officer and we must obey him. Why don't you fly four more missions and see what happens?"" I don't want to."" Suppose we let you pick your missions and fly milk runs?" Major said. "That way you can fly the four missions and not run any risks."" I don't want to fly milk runs. I don't want to be in the war anymore."" Would you like to see our country lose?" Major asked." We won't lose. We've got more men, more money, and more material. There are ten million men in uniform who could replace me. Some people are getting killed and a lot more are making money and having fun. Let somebody else get killed."" But suppose everybody on our side felt that way?"" Then I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way. Wouldn't I?

— Joseph Heller

Colonel Cargill, General Pecked’s troubleshooter, was a forceful, ruddy man. Before the war he had been an alert, hard-hitting, aggressive marketing executive. He was a very bad marketing executive. Colonel Cargill was so awful a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for tax purposes. Throughout the civilized world, from Battery Park to Fulton Street, he was known as a dependable man for a fast tax write-off. His prices were high, for failure often did not come easily. He had to start at the top and work his way down, and with sympathetic friends in Washington, losing money was no simple matter. It took months of hard work and careful misplacing. A person misplaced, disorganized, miscalculated, overlooked everything and opened every loophole, and just when he thought he had it made, the government gave him a lake or a forest or an oilfield and spoiled everything. Even with such handicaps, Colonel Cargill could be relied on to run the most prosperous enterprise into the ground. He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.

— Joseph Heller

Depreciating motels, junked automobiles, and quick-food joints grow like amber waves of grain.

— Joseph Heller

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

— Joseph Heller

Every writer I know has trouble writing.

— Joseph Heller

Every writer I know has trouble writing.

— Joseph Heller