His eyes are so clear and blue that nothing but clichés enter my mind.

— Augusten Burroughs

His laugh is made of porch swings and lemonade.

— Augusten Burroughs

I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.

— Augusten Burroughs

I confidently walked up to the counter, and his friends moved to the side to let me through. I handed him the note. "Happy Birthday," I said. Then I smiled and walked out of the store. I did my crossing-the street trick again, lurking in the shadows and watching. I could see him turn the note over in his hand, open it and read, then turn it over again. He passed it to his friends, who passed it between them. Then I watched him make a shrugging gesture with his hands. And then they were all laughing again. My mortification was total and overpowering. I was suddenly having a very difficult time standing. I had experienced a perfect note of utter and true clarity. He was straight.

— Augusten Burroughs

I could not imagine the kind of person that would, upon seeing a crazy talcum-powder-covered Southern lady think to herself, Hmm mm, she might make a great new friend. The line between normal and crazy seemed impossibly thin.

— Augusten Burroughs

I didn't begin life hating my grandmother. Like every child, I adored her. Until I formed a brain and got to know her.

— Augusten Burroughs

I discovered the bleeding when he licked my hand and left a swath of blood behind, death's autograph.

— Augusten Burroughs

If you believe suicide will bring you peace, or at the very least just an end to everything you hate-you are displaying self-caring behavior. You are still able to actively seek solutions to your problems. You are willing to go to great lengths to provide what you believe will be soothing to yourself. This strikes me as optimistic.

— Augusten Burroughs

If you have one parent who loves you, even if they can't buy you clothes, they're so poor, and they make all kinds of mistakes and maybe sometimes they even give you awful advice, but never for one moment do you doubt their love for you--if you have this, you have incredibly good fortune. If you have two parents who love you? You have won life's Lotto. If you do not have parents, or if the parents you have are so broken and so, frankly, terrible that they are no improvement over nothing, this is fine. It's not ideal because it's harder without adults who love you more than they love themselves. But harder is just harder, that's all.

— Augusten Burroughs

I know now: what is all that matters. Not the thing you know is meant to be, not what could be, not what should be, not what ought to be, not what once was. Only the is.

— Augusten Burroughs