My question was:How did I go from merely seeing the dirty French Santa in a bar to being in his hotel room the next morning? And this presented me with an actual equation. How did one plus one equal old French Santa?

— Augusten Burroughs

Not crazy in a 'let's paint the kitchen bright red!' sort of way. But crazy in a 'gas oven, toothpaste sandwich, I am God' sort of way. Gone were the days when she would stand on the deck lighting lemon-scented candles without then having to eat the wax.p28

— Augusten Burroughs

Part of me felt deep compassion. And another part felt like, You fucker.

— Augusten Burroughs

Real optimism is not the pep talk you give yourself. It is earned through the labor involved in emotional housekeeping.

— Augusten Burroughs

Saying just the right thing after a considerable, awkward pause is far less effective than saying the wrong thing with perfect timing. I'm telling you.

— Augusten Burroughs

Smoking had become my favorite thing in the world to do. It was like having instant comfort, no matter where or when.

— Augusten Burroughs

The more time I spent at the Finches', the more I realized what a waste of my life this school crap was. It was nothing but a holding tank for kids without bigger plans or ideas.

— Augusten Burroughs

The secret to being a writer is that you have to write. It's not enough to think about writing or to study literature or plan a future life as an author. You really have to lock yourself away, alone, and get to work.

— Augusten Burroughs

This is what you should know about losing someone you love. They do not travel alone. You go with them.

— Augusten Burroughs

... Trying is not the same as being. Trying flies in a circle around the moment and *being* is inside of it.

— Augusten Burroughs