A bind is when you're quadriplegic, suicidal about that and unable to persuade your best friend to murder you.

— Brian Spellman

A broken shoelace can strangle me.

— Brian Spellman

A good night's sleep counts healthy sheep.

— Brian Spellman

All porn stars on Animal Farm are equal, but some porn scenes are more unequal than others.

— Brian Spellman

All surgery and no makeup make Jack a dull girl.

— Brian Spellman

An apple a day feeds the tapeworm to stay.

— Brian Spellman

Babies are never suicidal. Hard lives, not hard-boiled eggs do that.

— Brian Spellman

Billions of years before twelve-step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

— Brian Spellman

Dad got furious when we lied to him. No, Dad got furious then we lied to him.

— Brian Spellman

Don't stay in this now. You'll fall behind.

— Brian Spellman