And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

— Demetri Martin

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

— Demetri Martin

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

— Demetri Martin

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

— Demetri Martin

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

— Demetri Martin

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

— Demetri Martin

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

— Demetri Martin

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

— Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

— Demetri Martin

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

— Demetri Martin