I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

— Demetri Martin

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

— Demetri Martin

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

— Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

— Demetri Martin

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

— Demetri Martin

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

— Demetri Martin

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

— Demetri Martin

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

— Demetri Martin

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

— Demetri Martin

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including Voltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

— Demetri Martin