I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

— Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

— Demetri Martin

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name, and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!

— Demetri Martin

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

— Demetri Martin

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from daydreaming.

— Demetri Martin

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

— Demetri Martin

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

— Demetri Martin

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

— Demetri Martin

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

— Demetri Martin

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

— Demetri Martin