I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

— Karl Pilkington

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, ass cheeks, or whatever.

— Karl Pilkington

I told her that I can't be doing with the Wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake... I've never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that's how I feel about most of the Wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn't think about visiting.

— Karl Pilkington

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

— Karl Pilkington

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.

— Karl Pilkington

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

— Karl Pilkington

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy Rice Kris pies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My ass may get involved later though.

— Karl Pilkington

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

— Karl Pilkington

People eat duck, and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

— Karl Pilkington

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

— Karl Pilkington