Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

— Karl Pilkington

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

— Karl Pilkington

The café was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

— Karl Pilkington

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

— Karl Pilkington

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

— Karl Pilkington

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

— Karl Pilkington

There were some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up, and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, her, lovely big eyes, her, huge hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

— Karl Pilkington

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

— Karl Pilkington

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

— Karl Pilkington

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

— Karl Pilkington