I am two with nature.

— Woody Allen

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

— Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

— Woody Allen

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl, and she left me.' And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.' And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?' And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!' He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.' I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!' And he said, 'We have to work this through.' So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...

— Woody Allen

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

— Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hydrophilic necrophilia, but that would be beating a dead horse.

— Woody Allen

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

— Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

— Woody Allen

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

— Woody Allen

I don't believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

— Woody Allen