If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

— Woody Allen

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

— Woody Allen

If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

— Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

— Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

— Woody Allen

If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

— Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

— Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

— Woody Allen

If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

— Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

— Woody Allen