Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

— George Carlin

Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day cares, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're reborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked.

— George Carlin

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

— George Carlin

But when you're in front of an audience, and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

— George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

— George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

— George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

— George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

— George Carlin

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

— George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

— George Carlin