I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

— George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

— George Carlin

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

— George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

— George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

— George Carlin

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

— George Carlin

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

— George Carlin

If your kid needs a role model, and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

— George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

— George Carlin

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

— George Carlin