A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

— Fred Allen

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

— Fred Allen

(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

— Fred Allen

A group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done

— Fred Allen

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

— Fred Allen

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

— Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

— Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.

— Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

— Fred Allen

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

— Fred Allen