I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

— Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

— Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

— Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

— Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

— Fred Allen

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

— Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

— Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

— Fred Allen

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.

— Fred Allen