My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.

— Fred Allen

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

— Fred Allen

She used to be a schoolteacher, but she has no class now.

— Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

— Fred Allen

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

— Fred Allen

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

— Fred Allen

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

— Fred Allen

The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

— Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

— Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

— Fred Allen