I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?

— Robert Orben

I don't want to say anything about my kids. . . But I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

— Robert Orben

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

— Robert Orben

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

— Robert Orben

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

— Robert Orben

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

— Robert Orben

I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there's never one around.

— Robert Orben

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

— Robert Orben

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

— Robert Orben

I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.

— Robert Orben