I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

— Robert Orben

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

— Robert Orben

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

— Robert Orben

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

— Robert Orben

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

— Robert Orben

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

— Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

— Robert Orben

New Yorkers are so impersonal if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

— Robert Orben

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

— Robert Orben

Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.

— Robert Orben