A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.

— Rodney Dangerfield