The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

— Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

— Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

— Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You have to look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

— Rodney Dangerfield