I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy négligée. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car, and she wants me to drive.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

— Rodney Dangerfield