I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynecologist firmly believes I am.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

— Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

— Rodney Dangerfield