Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?

— Eoin Colfer

Excuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits.

— Eoin Colfer

Foal: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foal: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

— Eoin Colfer

Friendship isn't a science mud boy. Just do what you think is right.

— Eoin Colfer

Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.

— Eoin Colfer

Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment.

— Eoin Colfer

Good. Illegal is always faster.

— Eoin Colfer

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.

— Eoin Colfer

He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other.

— Eoin Colfer

Hey, bodyguard. You better get down to the gymnasium. This jumbo pixie guy is killing your sister." "Really?" said Butler, unconvinced. "Really. Juliet just does not seem to be herself. She can't put two moves together. It's pathetic, really. Everybody is betting against her." "I see," said Butler, straightening. Mulch held the door. "It's going to make things fascinating when you show up to help." Butler grinned. "I'm not coming to help. I just want to be there when she stops faking." "Ah," said Mulch, comprehension dawning on his face. "So I should switch my bet to Juliet?" "You certainly should" said Butler.

— Eoin Colfer