George Carlin

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

George Carlin

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom

George Carlin

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.

George Carlin

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

George Carlin

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

George Carlin

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

George Carlin

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

George Carlin

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