I do have to travel a lot for speaking engagements.

— P. J. O'Rourke

If death weren't around to 'finalize' the Darwinian process, we'd all still be amoebas.

— P. J. O'Rourke

If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, WorldCom, Tycho, they could have cheated investors out of millions.

— P. J. O'Rourke

If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked.

— P. J. O'Rourke

If you are young, and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

— P. J. O'Rourke

If you ask the government to solve all of your problems, it's a bit like asking your wife to cook and clean, to raise the children, to hold down a second job to help with the family finances, to keep her parents happy and well and keep your parents happy and well, and to also - to do the lawn and clean the gutters.

— P. J. O'Rourke

If you think health care is expensive now, just wait 'til it's free.

— P. J. O'Rourke

I grew up going to public school, and they were huge public schools. I went to a school that had 3,200 kids, and I had grade school classes with 40-some kids. Discipline was rigid. Most of the learning was rote. It worked.

— P. J. O'Rourke

I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad.

— P. J. O'Rourke

I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-router. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny.

— P. J. O'Rourke