According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?

— Stephen Colbert

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

— Stephen Colbert

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coin

— Stephen Colbert

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

— Stephen Colbert

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

— Stephen Colbert

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

— Stephen Colbert

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

— Stephen Colbert

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

— Stephen Colbert

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

— Stephen Colbert

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?

— Stephen Colbert