The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriner's, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.

— Stephen Colbert

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me, and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

— Stephen Colbert

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

— Stephen Colbert

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

— Stephen Colbert

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

— Stephen Colbert

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

— Stephen Colbert

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America--we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afters cape of the Rapture.

— Stephen Colbert

We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't.

— Stephen Colbert

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

— Stephen Colbert

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding.

— Stephen Colbert