Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

— Stephen Colbert

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

— Stephen Colbert

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

— Stephen Colbert

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the furthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness: a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say 'no.' But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow.

— Stephen Colbert

Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.

— Stephen Colbert

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

— Stephen Colbert

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

— Stephen Colbert

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

— Stephen Colbert

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

— Stephen Colbert

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

— Stephen Colbert