The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

— Craig Ferguson

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

— Craig Ferguson

Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. Furthermore, I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good.

— Craig Ferguson

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

— Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

— Craig Ferguson

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

— Craig Ferguson

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

— Craig Ferguson

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

— Craig Ferguson

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

— Craig Ferguson

You better watch out. You better not cry. Furthermore, you better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Claus might put a cap in your ass.

— Craig Ferguson