A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

— Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

— Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

— Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

— Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

— Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

— Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

— Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

— Steven Wright