How young can you die of old age?

— Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

— Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

— Steven Wright

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

— Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

— Steven Wright

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

— Steven Wright

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

— Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

— Steven Wright

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

— Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

— Steven Wright