If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

— Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

— Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

— Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

— Steven Wright

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. Furthermore, I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

— Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

— Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message, and I'll call when I'm out.

— Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

— Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

— Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

— Steven Wright