If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

— Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

— Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

— Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. Furthermore, I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

— Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

— Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts, and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

— Steven Wright

If it’s zero degrees outside today, and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

— Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

— Steven Wright

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

— Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

— Steven Wright