I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

— Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. Furthermore, I hit a bookmark and flew across the room.

— Steven Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

— Steven Wright

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

— Steven Wright

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

— Steven Wright

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

— Steven Wright

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

— Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. Furthermore, I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.

— Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

— Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

— Steven Wright