If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re looking through binoculars the wrong way

— Josh Stern

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

— Josh Stern

I hate pulling out... I mean, I'm terrible at the whole parking thing....

— Josh Stern

I like gross generalizations... I also like disgusting specifics!

— Josh Stern

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

— Josh Stern

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

— Josh Stern

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

— Josh Stern

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

— Josh Stern

I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet

— Josh Stern

It can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

— Josh Stern