A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.

— Eoin Colfer

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.

— Eoin Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.

— Eoin Colfer

Ambition had a price, and that price was friendship.

— Eoin Colfer

A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.

— Eoin Colfer

A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder.

— Eoin Colfer

Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?

— Eoin Colfer

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder

— Eoin Colfer

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was... She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself.

— Eoin Colfer

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Robot Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.' The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!' Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.'' Anybody in kindergarten, maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?'' This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.' Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.

— Eoin Colfer