Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

— Groucho Marx

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

— Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

— Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

— Groucho Marx

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

— Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

— Groucho Marx

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

— Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

— Groucho Marx

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

— Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

— Groucho Marx